Thursday, May 28, 2015

Rice Wars Episode V: The Lindas Strike Back

I lead a simple life with my pre-glutton Linda.
I  lead a simple life. I care for my boo girl Linda Lou, and i like scripting, sailing, and BDSM.

I also like growing my rice crop in preparation for the eventual Zombie Apocalypse that will send millions of frenzied flesh eating man-eaters swarming into the blasted landscape in search of human flesh.

Waiting eagerly for the Zombie Apocalypse
When food resources are low, and people are reduced to eating french fries from abandoned and decrepit Carl's Jr eateries, it is my hope to be able to offer the remnants of humanity a safe haven, a place where we can rebuild civilization under the despotic iron fisted rule of...oh wait...i mean, under the "benevolent autocratic rule" of someone smarter, stronger, and better prepared than anyone!!!!

Benevolent dictator pose...booyah!
Unfortunately, I did not take into account the vagaries of nature...or in this case, the whims and fancies of that most destructive of elements - mischievous submissives!!!!

I started with a small plot with 4 plants, but these fell prey almost immediately to hordes of ravenous leprous lepus a day after I proudly showed Linda my new garden...ok ok, there was one rabbit involved, but he ate really really fast....and he had big teeth....kinda like Linda actually.

More determined than ever to pursue my goal of total global food control, I set aside a private sandbox and created new and much larger rice fields, and this time I did not give my little blond barbie the LM.

Alas, not for the first time I seriously underestimated the ingenuity and resourcefulness of truly mischievous subs!

Only one day after I finalized my fields, I suddenly received a texture from Linda, and when I opened it I gasped in shock and horror as I read the taunt "I ate all your rice!"

Gone was the slender and graceful girl who had taken my heart. In her place was a bloated caricature in a two piece bathing suit who was munching on a green stalk of rice, the rolls of fat hanging off her a sick testament to the pallets of rice that had fallen to her vile depredations.

The Linda! I shiver looking into those pale blue predator eyes!
Not content with her plunder, Linda also convinced Melinda Nyn to continue to wreak havoc on my crops, so this worthy sub sneaked into my fields while I was busy daydreaming under the shade of my hut and munched away happily on the growing plants, quickly rivaling The Linda in size....

When I woke up and tried to stop her, Meli sat on me! SHE SAT ON ME!!!!!!

Hmmmpphhhh....she sat on me!!!! She sat on me!!!!
A few broken ribs later, I was finally alone with my shattered dignity and devastated crops.

But as I looked upon the rows of flattened rice stalks I suddenly felt a surge of determination and anger course through me, and to the strains of Max Weiner's soaring Gone with the Wind soundtrack I clenched my fist to the sky and cried:

"I'll think of it tomorrow, I can stand it then. After all, tomorrow is another day!”

I love me southern belles!
And for added emphasis

"Ye bugger!!!!"

PS. On the positive side, I did put up the "disgustingly bloated Linda" picture in the rice fields...I figure it'll scare away the birds that are trying to steal the ripening grain.

Even Hitchcock's The Birds fly away in fright!

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